I want to explain a situation that happened several days ago and maybe get some insight and where to go from there. I will try to keep it short but a lot kind of goes into what happened.
Some important background first. My grandmother on my father’s side is a narcissist. From what I’ve been told the moment my parents go married my grandmother was cruel to her and was possessive of my dad and his siblings. My mom set boundaries and she would disregard them and make her feel terrible. My parents had my older sister and my grandma was incredibly possessive of her and wanted to spend a lot of time with her. I was born and she never liked me. Invited my sister to things and not me. I knew she didn’t like me. Eventually my mom had enough and she and my dad stood up to her and my grandmother severed the relationship. We haven’t seen her since.
In-between and growing up my sister has been very jealous and conditional to me. I honestly thought this is how sisters were to each other.
I became a nurse 8 years ago and was traumatized by covid. I am slowly healing.
My sister is getting married at the end of the month. To my knowledge, she wanted to keep it small, they are just signing papers and next year they will have a party. I do not like her boyfriend and when she invited me (over text) to a dinner with his family and him I answered, for one, I worked, and two don’t want to spend a lot of time with her husband to be and his family for refusing the covid vaccine. I understand I might lose some of you here because it was a personal choice but I believe I could have attempted to set any boundary and this would have happened so if it helps, I don’t like her boyfriend because I felt like he treats her badly, which was another reason I didn’t want to tell her. She replied to the text she understood but was hurt. I completely understood, I knew that was hard to hear and I had been actively distancing myself from him since I decided I didn’t want to be around him. My mom asked to meet with me about it a day later. My mom came over and explained that my parents were with my sister when I texted her and asked for clarification. I told her covid was very hard on me and for my mental well being I don’t want to spend a lot of time with anyone ( not just him). Immediately she started crying and said I was acting like my grandma and excluding him. I tried to explain the difference, there was a reason, and I wasn’t asking to exclude him, just to respect I din’t want to be around him. We spent more time talking about the trauma my grandmother inflicted than my request not to go. It was hurtful and my mom told me to get over it/ I had to move forward. It didn’t sound like her and I assumed my sister had brought my grandma up to invoke the emotion (this was correct I found out) to get me to spend time with someone who made me uncomfortable. I thought about it. I wanted to speak to my parents and sister all together to explain this is not like my grandmother and I need them to respect my boundary.
It went horrible. It felt like no one was listening to me and my sister cried when I didn’t cave in and said I need immediate mental health because I can’t let go of something that happened in 2021. My parents agreed with her. I asked why this is such a big reaction now since I have told all of them about my covid mental health problems since it happened and I have told all of them before I did not want to spend a lot of time with him. They did not have an answer except I’m mentally ill, I’m not the sweet person I once was, and I’m being so cruel to my sister’s new husband. My sister twisted a lot of what I said and finally told me that she doesn’t want a relationship with me if I keep this boundary.
I left after that and actually felt relieved that I wouldn’t have to worry about my sister now. I am still very hurt what was said to me and how my parents acted was not them. I felt like I was right to set a boundary and I couldn’t understand what had just happened to me. I did some googling and I started to realize what she said to me, could be applied to her, she lied to me during our talk, and manipulated my parents emotions using my grandmother as emotional ammo. I looked up narcissist siblings and was horrified at how it matched my sister and my relationship with her and my parents. I read that narcissists have a distorted sense of themselves and reality and it isn’t really treatable. I feel so awful for everyone in my family, including my sister, this wasn’t her fault and she will always live with this. I don’t know how to proceed, especially with my parents. I am sad to say I am okay with not having a relationship with my sister but I want to have a relationship with my parents. I know how my sister manipulates, she has manipulated me against someone before so I know how it feels, she’s good at it.
Thank you for reading,