I need help. It has been three years since I came to my fathers apartment and moved countries. I moved involuntarily because the pandemic started and I was living on another continent and was worried for my visa. I thought I would be leaving for just a few months until the pandemic settled. I knew my father’s apartment was empty and I had the keys so I came to stay here.
I had no idea that he, as well as the rest of my family who I haven’t seen in over dix years would act like I had “moved back”. I had no idea that in their mind no pandemic was happening, that the fact I came they would interpret as my failure and weakness, and least if all that they would think I am here to stay. I don’t have the strength at the moment to describe all the ways I have been humiliated, controlled, and harassed over the past years, but when I came here I was a completely different person than I am now.
I was full of hope, joyful, confident, energetic, resourceful, focused. This all bothered them to an extreme. I am now finding going to leave, but I’m not sure what will happen to me as I had wasted what should’ve been three most productive years of my life in which I was supposed to expand and I am psychologically a shadow of who I used to be. I am also broke.
Today I found a recording of me speaking that I made two years ago, and I couldn’t recognize the person in the recordings. They sounded so smart and coherent and only after a while I realized it was my own voice. I’m feeling like killing myself now. They robbed me of my wellbeing, my life. I don’t know how to survive this.