I need help. It has been three years since I came to my fathers apartment and moved countries. I moved involuntarily because the pandemic started and I was living on another continent and was worried for my visa. I thought I would be leaving for just a few months until the pandemic settled. I knew my father’s apartment was empty and I had the keys so I came to stay here.
I had no idea that he, as well as the rest of my family who I haven’t seen in over dix years would act like I had “moved back”. I had no idea that in their mind no pandemic was happening, that the fact I came they would interpret as my failure and weakness, and least if all that they would think I am here to stay. I don’t have the strength at the moment to describe all the ways I have been humiliated, controlled, and harassed over the past years, but when I came here I was a completely different person than I am now.
I was full of hope, joyful, confident, energetic, resourceful, focused. This all bothered them to an extreme. I am now finding going to leave, but I’m not sure what will happen to me as I had wasted what should’ve been three most productive years of my life in which I was supposed to expand and I am psychologically a shadow of who I used to be. I am also broke.
Today I found a recording of me speaking that I made two years ago, and I couldn’t recognize the person in the recordings. They sounded so smart and coherent and only after a while I realized it was my own voice. I’m feeling like killing myself now. They robbed me of my wellbeing, my life. I don’t know how to survive this.
I apologize, I’m writing on my phone and I see now there are few spelling mistakes. I hope you can make out the meaning.
It’s okay no issue. Welcome
I stumbled upon your question and wanted to reach out to offer some support. First of all, I’m really sorry to hear about the difficult situation you’re going through. Moving to a different country during a pandemic can be incredibly challenging, and it’s understandable that you had certain expectations that haven’t been met.
It sounds like your family’s reaction to your return has been quite overwhelming, to say the least. It can be disheartening when the people we care about don’t understand or appreciate our choices. The fact that they haven’t acknowledged the impact of the pandemic and have treated you poorly must be really tough to handle.
I want you to know that you’re not alone in feeling the way you do. Sometimes, people’s reactions stem from their own insecurities or misunderstandings, rather than any reflection of your worth or abilities. It’s essential to remind yourself of your own strengths and qualities, even if others fail to recognize them.
Regarding your concern about the past three years, I understand how you might feel like you’ve lost precious time. However, it’s important to remember that life is full of unexpected twists and turns. Sometimes, circumstances beyond our control can disrupt our plans, but that doesn’t mean we can’t bounce back. Despite the challenges you’ve faced, I believe there’s still plenty of room for growth and accomplishment in your future.
It’s disheartening to hear that you’re feeling so down on yourself, to the point where you mentioned thoughts of self-harm. I strongly urge you to reach out to someone you trust, a friend, a family member, or even a mental health professional. They can provide the support and guidance you need during this difficult time. Remember, you don’t have to face this alone.
Lastly, it’s worth noting that your feelings of despair and hopelessness are valid, but they are temporary. Life has a way of surprising us, and things can change for the better when we least expect it. So please, reach out for help and give yourself a chance to heal and rediscover your strength.
Thank you for your reply. As this is a forum on narcissism, I thought it would be clearer what I’m dealing with but perhaps I didn’t mention it directly enough. My feeling of self worth is not a problem for me. I have felt very confident and good about myself. But it is a problem to them. The better I feel, the more abuse i hurdled my way. When I am down and defeated they leave me alone. In other words, me being well creates threats for my life.
I was past 30 years old when I had to come here, and now I’m past 35. For the past three years I’ve been watching people around me getting married and having babies, or just living their life while I was treated as a 15yearold by my family. Society now considers me old, so no matter how good psychologically I might recover or feel the opportunities that I missed for the past years are not coming back. EVER. Because that’s how society works. Society doesn’t care how you feel, it cares how your look, how old you are and how much money you have in your account. Considering all what happened I will be forced to live a life that’s completely below my abilities and qualifications. This is not something that is fixable. As for friends, I have none. As for psychologist I have no money to pay one.
I guess you need more introspection. Take a break and think what do you need right now.?
Breaking toxic relationships, can also an option.